And It Was Perfect
by Fluff.and.Rainbows
Summary: In a moment of weakness, Lavi confesses to Allen what being a Bookman entails. Laven. Some angst, ending with fluff. Possible sequel underway. Rated for boy's kissing.


**Warning.** _Slightly_ depressing, at first? Then so fluffy you could use it as a pillow. Homosexual relationships, 'cause that's just how I roll, son.

**I do not own D. Gray-man, and that still depresses me. Hmph.

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To say Allen was hurt would be an understatement.

Throughout Lavi's whole explanation of what the rules and guidelines set out for him and everyone like him as Bookmen were, Allen had stayed silent. Inside, he felt like he was on fire. All of his memories of Lavi-- laughing, smiling Lavi-- burned and collapsed in on themselves. His mind was filled with smoke and screams and _oh, God, it's all been a lie?_

When the redhead was through, he looked tired, so, so tired. He gazed at Allen with one expectant green eye and waited. When nothing came, he gently placed a hand on his friend's knee. "Allen...?"

The boy didn't move but sucked in a shaky breath. "It's...all been...for the sake of your persona?"

Lavi hadn't quite known what to expect. As much as he knew about Allen, the boy was a wild card. A part of him had expected anger, _hoped_ for it. Part of him figured the other teen would just stalk out of the room and never speak to him again. Part of him thought Allen might just accept it, leave it be, and try to keep things how they had been. He hadn't given too much thought on Allen falling apart. He hadn't factored in depressing the other boy.

In retrospect, he really should have known better.

The fire had gone out as suddenly as it had started, leaving Allen cold and shaking. Lavi moved to sit next to him instead of across from him, but he stopped when the other boy suddenly stood up. Looking the redhead straight in the eye, his voice laced with tears, he let it all out, a spark from the previous fire reigniting.

"It's all been a lie then? Who are you, really? You're not _Lavi._ He's just a part you play! Where does it end? Do you still try to keep in character when you're alone? In your thoughts? Has every battle, every time you've defended me, Lenalee, even _Kanda_, were you doing it simply because you wouldn't be _'Lavi'_ otherwise? Because, then, you'd just be Bookman Junior? Do you..." Here, more than just his voice was filled with tears, as some raced their way down his pale, scarred cheek. "Do you even care...?"

It had been Lavi's turn to stay silent then. Inside himself, he could feel the forty-eight other people he had portrayed fighting. _Who am I? Who are you? Where does it end? Where does Lavi begin and Bookman Junior end, or is it the other way around? _He curled his hands into fists on his knees as he stared long and hard at Allen's boots. Silence reigned, uncomfortable and tense, but neither boy could find the strength to break it.

Allen sat back down, the sheets beneath him rustling with his movements. They were in Lavi's room, it being closer, and the redhead hadn't been sure he could keep it all in out in the open, in public, anymore. His mind, _'Lavi'_, had been screaming for him to tell someone, _anyone_, what was happening inside of him. It was a selfish urge, he knew, and he had violated the Bookman code by even _thinking_ about it, but he had to. _'Lavi'_ had to.

_No, __**I**__ had to._

He finally looked up to see Allen copying his former position, eyes downcast and head bent. His shoulders were shaking, and his hands were clenched so tight he could hear the material of his gloves straining. It hadn't quite occurred to him before, how close to Allen he had gotten. How close Allen had gotten to _him_...

_When did Lavi stop being just a name on a list, ink on paper? When did he become **me**__?_

"Allen..." he said softly, as gently as possible. How could he fix what he had broken? Why had he succumb to such a selfish, ridiculous desire? _How could he hurt Allen so badly?_

Tears didn't suit him. They didn't suit either of them, but Lavi had been able to hold his back so far. The dam was breaking, however, with every choked sob Allen let out.

_Breaking...Both of us are breaking. I...I broke him..._

Allen shook his head at the sound of his own name, and Lavi thought he heard him whisper _nononopleasegoawaynotagainIcan'takethis._ Lavi finally moved next to him, carefully wrapping his arm around Allen's shaking shoulders in an awkward, one armed hug. It was even on Allen's left side. Both of them were keenly aware of this, but there was no more damage to be done, it seemed.

_I broke him._

"Allen, I...I don't know, honestly. I...It hasn't been a lie, not to _'Lavi'_. Not to...not to _me._ I _am_ Lavi. He's more than a part I play; he's become me. I've become him. We're one and the same now, and that's thanks to you." Allen finally lifted his head. Silver met emerald for a moment before the younger Exorcist looked away, down at his lap, to his clenched hands. Lavi brought up his other arm and placed his hand gently on Allen's gloved ones. Slowly, he unclenched the boy's fists and laced his fingers together with his left hand, that disfigured hand, that deformed, cursed arm.

Allen's breath hitched, both from his crying and the simple act of holding hands. "How can I believe that?"

"I don't know that either...All I can ask is for you to trust me, please. It...It doesn't end, Allen, it doesn't. I told you. I'm _Lavi._ At first, before I even met you, it was hard. This..._that persona_ was so different from the one before it. At first, I thought I was better than the rest of them, the other Exorcists, even Lenalee. I could take myself away from all of their problems. I could detach myself. They didn't matter. Then I got too into being Lavi. I met you. You made Lavi real. You made _me_ real. You became my friend, with every battle we fought together. I protected you, I protected _everyone,_ because they had grown close to me.

I've...I've broken the rules set out for me. I can no longer be considered a Bookman. I've strayed from our path and did the stupidest thing one of us could ever do, Allen. I got a heart. I experienced _emotion._ Happiness, fear, friendship, anguish, sadness, joy, contentedness, _love_. That was the stupidest thing of all. That was what really made me _Lavi_, made me _me_. I fell in love."

Allen had looked up to Lavi's one, green eye at that point, his own eyes wide and filled to the brim. Dry tear tracks coated his cheeks, dipping into his scar. Wet spots had formed on his gloves, some drops falling onto Lavi's bare hand. He hadn't noticed. "How...?" Allen whispered. "What does that even mean, Lavi?" The redhead couldn't help but let out an almost relieved sigh at the sound of _his own name_. He had come to love that name, just as he had come to love the voice that spoke it.

"I don't know. Seems like I don't know a lot of things nowadays, huh?"

Silence fell over them again, not as uncomfortable, not as tense. Allen's shoulders no longer shook, he no longer sobbed, but he still cried. Lavi could feel a deep, growing pressure settle over his heart, and he ached. The logical side of his mind, the side that was and always would be Bookman Junior, almost raged. He was in the process of ruining everything he had lived for for _years_, and all for something as petty as a four letter word. L-O-V-E. But, it was so much more than that.

The line between friendship and something more had been blurred a long time ago for them. Lavi wasn't quite sure when it happened, but he knew it had, for him, at least. For Allen, it was the same. His thoughts toward the redheaded boy had turned from friendly to romantic before he could even breathe, but he had kept them hidden. He didn't want to ruin such a close friendship, not with something so inappropriate. Lavi had kept his own feelings at bay with his master's own words, _"Get rid of it. A Bookman has no use for a heart."_

The line had become almost too blurred to be seen now. Just a breath, a touch, could completely remove it. Neither boy knew whether or not that was the right move.

The silence stretched on, becoming a bit more uncomfortable as the seconds ticked by. Finally, Allen focused back on Lavi's one green eye and whispered, "Lavi...Who did you fall in love with?"

Lavi's heart almost broke at the sound of his friend's voice, for the tears he could still catch in its sound. But, his heart both shattered and lifted. Through those tears, he could hear _hope._

_Did I...really break him? Was he never whole to begin with? Does it matter? I wasn't. I'm still not. That doesn't matter. We were already broken, but maybe we can fix each other..._

In response, Lavi leaned forward, pressing his lips to Allen's. It was only a small kiss, their fingers still laced together, one arm still around Allen's shoulders. The boy returned it, doubling the pressure. His lids slipped down, and he lightly squeezed the other's hand, still abnormally aware just which hand Lavi was holding. His other arm moved from his side, from his lap, to the back of Lavi's neck, pulling him closer.

The kiss was sweet, chaste. Neither of them were too ready to completely remove that dim, dim line and move across onto the lovers' side. Though the gesture was small, their joining of lips, it meant so many things.

_I am Lavi. I've fallen in love with Allen Walker. I can no longer be considered a Bookman, and I don't care. I'm stupid and idiotic, and I don't care. I've fallen in love, and Allen's the only thing my care can be put into now. I __**am**__ Lavi. I am me, and 'me' loves Allen, too._

_I am Allen Walker. I've fallen in love with Lavi, the soon-to-be ex-Bookman Junior. He's told me the truth, he's trusted me enough to tell me everything he's had to keep locked away, and I am now filled with and unmeasurable amount of happiness..._

As they fell back onto the bed, rolling onto their sides to face one another, they laced their fingers together again. Lavi gently pulled off the glove on Allen's left hand and caressed the rough, red skin there.

And it was perfect.

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**Author's Notes.**

LOLENDING, WHAT ENDING?

Christ, I can't finish anything I've started. It just sort of...trails off...into rambling.

_Fuuu---_

Have a piece of Laven I thought of in the shower, inspired by me actually wondering where the hell Lavi _does_ end and Bookman Junior begins, or if there even is such a thing. I just sort of ran with the ideas that followed. There might be a sequel, where Bookman discovers his apprentice's stupidity, and Lavi relinquishes his title and position. Don't know, though. We'll see.

There's probably going to be a flood of DGM stuff. I have several ideas, one that actually involves Yullen, despite my dislike for Kanda. Or maybe because of it. I'unno.

Carry on, friends.


End file.
